Thinking too much, Much too late

Three days to go before my surgery. I’m not sure how I am supposed to be feeling, although I am sure that I should be sleeping by now. On one hand, I am so excited to cut this cancer out and know that it is gone. On the other, the price of that is waking up without a portion of me.

I could have taken the easy way out. Let me correct that…there is no easy way out of cancer. But for me, it would have been much easier at work, financially, and emotionally to have chosen the lumpectomy. It is the right choice for many many women and I don’t mean their road is an easy one in any way. It just begins looking easy when facing the alternative. For me, both options mean chemo, baldness, etc. But, on one hand being back at work in 4 days and having no follow-up surgery sounds easier right now. I could wake up with “the girls” (as I’ve begun to call them) and continue our lives together.

But, make no mistake. I want this surgery. I’m just filled with anxiety about how I will feel once it’s done. Will I regret not appreciating them all of these years? Or will I feel a wave of relief? I’m, betting the answer is both. Thankfully I’ve already seen the handiwork of my plastic surgeon. Man, he’s good! He can recreate anything! So, that helps a lot.

It’s the wait for the recreation that’s been seeming overwhelming. But, I think the combo of those little orange pills and my new "back to work" boob garments are making that a little less scary. Besides we're setting a clear precedent with the rest of my body. Turn on me, and you too can end up in the hazmat bucket! You'd think they would have caught on after the appendix and gall bladder...